The following statements were uttered (thankfully, none by me) between the hours of 8:00 am and 10:00 am this morning in a meeting only made interesting by my willingness to listen for more gems like these…I wish I was making it up…
- You want friends? Buy a goldfish. When he doesn’t like you anymore you can flush him down the toilet and buy another one. Â
- Raw meat on the table is good for everyone.
- You need to be like a dog on a leash chasing a rabbit; when your neck snaps back you know you’ve gone far enough.
- Tell them to take their turf issues out to the parking lot.Â
- They are seriously eating our lunch.
- As we all know, water flows downhill.
- Let’s tee it up and see what happens.
- It’s kind of like a bag of chips.
- We’ve got our marching orders and hopefully we’re all singing the same tune.
- First you need to swallow the big rat, then you can worry about the care and feeding.Â
and my personal favorite…
- Don’t blow your wad all at once. Â
Where the hell do you work?
Good lord. Just when I begin to really miss co-workers…
Here are two phrases that I spoke at my team meeting on wednesday: “The internet is gay”, and “I like it when you die”. The both were said in response to the computer teacher asking me if my newly aquired Green Book of Songs, a reference book recommended at our last in-service, had any songs about technology.
Phrases I heard (or uttered) this week:
Twelve stories… that’s a hard one to survive.
If you’re gonna bet, then bet, and everybody else shut the fuck up.
It wasn’t S.O.P. but it got us good press.
“The stove flared up. By the time we got in it had already burned itself out.” “So why did she jump?” “I guess she got scared.”
Didn’t you see her? She landed on the fence.
You’re killing me with garlic.
“Poor guy just came to work, and now he’s dead.” “Yeah. Not his best day.”
I feel like I just ate a ten pound hamburger.
No backsies.
“I’ll bet the Yankees don’t win the World Series.” “I’ll take that bet. How much? A thousand bucks?” “I don’t want to win that much. How about twenty?”
So I was sitting in a staff meeting this week, and …. oops, no I wasn’t - I’m still out of work. But I do remember such things, and miss them not at all. Several of us co-conspirators would record the cliches and fractured thoughts like those Jeremy mentioned, and those would be the only notes taken in the meeting, and we’d circulate them after the meeting to those who were fortunate enough not to be in attendance. Except one time, we had a particularly pompous boss, and everyone would keep track of the number of times he said “I” or “me” and compare the count afterward - all our notes would consist of several pages of crossed hashmarks.
We do kinda the same thing, there is one member of our admin team who says “um” a lot when she is addressing a crowd. We count the ums
beedge, we have a “you know” guy. we count them. sometimes its scary.
I know a “I’ll have another” guy. When there’s Budweiser around sometimes we’ll count, and Chris has gotten as high as 36.
Nav Shouldn’t you be enjoying some birthday action with that beautiful bride of yours. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I need to think about the work environment I choose to be in. I just wrote the following to my boss in response to a series of emails I got this morning.
“Did you actually follow this? It was a bunch of people running circles around me, about me and without me…regarding something I don’t know (and didn’t need to know) anything about…then they decided none of it was necessary and that I can’t have what I never even asked for because I’m not one of them, which I wouldn’t ever want to be.”
Again, I wish I was making it up.