There has been a lot of talk about slow ticket sales and poor attendance for this year’s Olympics in Athens. Everyone from the IOC, to media installations worldwide have placed the blame directly on terrorism fears. Some overpaid egomaniac US athletes even skipped the games entirely for fear of being targeted by Islamic radicals.
While I agree that this has something to do with less people visiting Greece than originally anticipated, I think that there is a bigger picture here, and that games themselves are also responsible for the extreme lack of interest. I may be crazy, but it seems to me like some of the “sports” that now have Olympic status, really are nothing more than backyard time killers.
Lets breakdown some of the events on the docket for this week…..
Badminton. Sorry but this is a game for overweight middle-aged men to be played at the company picnic.
Kayaking. Once Jerry Garcia died, Birkenstock wearing 30 something’s looked to an alternative outlet that afforded them the ability to get baked…chill…. exert themselves if they felt like it..all while taking in some of mother natures finest creeks. Here is my suggestion to make this event interesting. Competitors have a specified amount of time to get from point A to point B, rowing is full contact, and entrants must paddle over a pre-chummed body of water filled with Great Whites and Piranhas. Gold medals for anyone that makes it.
Fencing. It’s kind of like a sword fight, but with a very lite, flexible, aluminum antenna, with a protective tip. This may have been a “Romantic” way to whoop someones ass back in the day before Karate and hand guns, but I don’t think may people care to watch some guy that has trained for 16 years dance around with a weapon that has been outdated for over a century. One benefit for fencers is that after next week, their attire doubles as a beekeeper outfit, just in case theywant to make some extra bucks selling honey on the side.
Table tennis. I guess ping-pong wasn’t official enough, so this “sport” has taken on politically correct status. Anything game where you can beat your competitor while holding a beer in your hand, is not Olympic worthy in my opinion.
Handball. I really don’t know what to say.
Trampoline. It used to be that trampolines could only be found in the back yards of white trash , parents who are incredibly stupid, or other people who are incredibly stupid. Let me very clear that I am not against this competition; instead I am in favor of modifying it. I suggest that going forward all entrants must be women (weighing under 125 pounds) in mini skirts with a D-cup or greater. In each round they will face off against the world to see who can be the first to give themselves the darkest black eye.
Equestrian. As long as the horses (not the riders) get the awards, I have no problem with this competition either.
Since the IOC has obviously thrown in the towel, and it seems like anything now qualifies for a gold medal, here are my suggestions for 2008
Kickball
Hide and go seek
Ring around the rosy
Marco Polo
Freeze tag
BTW if anyone else finds themselves routing AGAINST the US basketball team, please know that you are not alone.
Later

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