(By way of Kent, who’s been sending me a slew of stuff that I really need to get up here):

Dear President Bush:

 Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I
 have learned a great deal from you, and try to share that knowledge
 with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
 lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22
 clearly rejects it… End of debate.

 I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
 of God’s Laws and how to follow them…

 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
 female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
 of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can
 you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
 Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
 price for her?

 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
 her period of menstrual uncleanliness Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how
 do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
 pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors.
 They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
 kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
 abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
 homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
 have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
 Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
 around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
 19:27. How should they die?

 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
 me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
 different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
 garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He
 also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go
 to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -
 Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family
 affair, as we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

 I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
 considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can
 help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and
 unchanging.

 A Concerned Christian American